It was Monday morning again. The village square meeting. One "lucky" person would draw a short straw and be chosen for the sacrifice. They would then have to take a cart full of rice and two buffaloes to Baka's terrifying lair, where the sacrificial victim would have to lay down their own life to keep the village safe. As it turned out, much as my parents had both had their days, I was about to have mine. I stood silent in the square, clutching a short piece of straw. I got a few looks of pity and fear from the people standing around me, as it dawned on them that Baka was about to end yet another bloodline in our village. I knew, however, that there was no way to fight my destiny. I thanked my master for the opportunities he gave me, and collected the rope to lead the buffalo hauling the cart.
I did not turn around to look at my home again. It was a memory of the place where I had grown up. The toll that Baka had placed on us was draining all the energy from the village, and it was withering like a branch cut from a tree. I set upon the road that led deep into the forest. I had come out this far once, as a child on a dare, never realizing that I would have to walk this path again. The sun set around me as I approached the exterior of Baka's cave. I tied the buffalo around a hitching post and stared into the endless blackness that began at the mouth of the cave. As I looked on, a deep grumble rose from the cave.
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| Cave Entrance, by Rolanet |
"Enter," the voice said to me. Knowing that I could not overcome this obstacle and defeat this demon, I stepped into the cave and followed the only path forward. I came upon a room dimly lit by a torch in one corner, and as I moved towards the light I stumbled across a pile of dry and dusty bones. My heart pounded and my head raced as I stood looking at the ground in front of me, contemplating my short future. A figure stepped into the light in front of me, but somehow remained obscured.
"Do you know your duty?" Baka asked me.
"Yes" was all I could meekly reply.
"Good", he said to me as he plunged a knife deep into my heart. "You should know that even in your last moments, your lives belong to me."
Life continued on back in the village.
Author's Note:
I was inspired by the story of Baka during my reading this week. A village chief demanding regular human sacrifices in return for protection from other dangers seemed more like a Stephen King novel than something out of an ancient religious story. So, I decided to style my story exactly that: a horror story about a villager chosen for the blood sacrifice, that is more about tension and dread than jump scares. I was torn on whether or not to have a happier ending, but I decided not to. I wanted to keep my story simple.
This was a different style of storytelling for me. I had never tried to write anything that was "scary" or tense before I attempted this writing this story. I didn't make any major changes from the original story. I mostly did this because I wanted to explore this setting more because I thought it was so interesting. I chose the image I did because I felt it represented a cave where a creature such as Baka might actually live. I didn't think a cave decorated with bones and paintings of blood would fit with the atmosphere I was trying to create. I also could not find any pictures of Baka himself that I also felt fit with the theme.
Bibliography: "Mahabharata: Public Domain Edition" by Multiple Authors, Link.
Hi Andrew!
ReplyDeleteClever take on the scary novel twist. I agree, these stories are very entertaining and can surprise you as to where they are found!
You did a great job of telling a short and sweet story. It flowed well. The author's note was really helpful in explaining your viewpoint on the story. Maybe telling more about the original story may help the reader to better picture what you have changed and what has stayed the same. I did not see anything else that I can mention to be helpful. Great job!
Andrew, I loved the twist you put on this Mahabharata story. I was instantly drawn in when I noticed that the story was in first person point of view. It made the scene seem that much more real and terrifying.
ReplyDeleteYour set up of the story flowed really well and the spacing went perfectly with the flow. Great job and I look forward to reading more :-)
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ReplyDeleteHi Andrew! Just got finished reading your new portfolio story. I like how you introduced a character by describing him to start off the story. You created a story of that character within the story, which I found was very interesting. I am not sure if you noticed that but if you did that, I find that very creative. After introducing the character and the parents, you began to describe the scene the story started off in. It was an interesting approach to start of the story but it also created for an interesting rest of the story. I thought the way you wrote the story was unique because of the first person view. You acted like you were the character and you were writing from your own perspective. This was a cool way to write your story because you acted like yourself in the story. Great storyline and great use of your perspective of the story.
ReplyDeleteAndrew, it was great reading your story about Baka and the sacrifice. I too wrote about Baka and his attacks on a village because I felt he was truly a villainous character. The way that you wrote in first person allowed me to really feel for the blacksmith's son. I felt that the image was great in showing us where Baka lived, but maybe insert a picture of Baka himself so the reader can really imagine the villain. Also, maybe upload some pictures to the portfolio homepage to allow for the readers to be drawn into your stories. I enjoyed reading your story because it was a written well with great detail about Baka and the boy. The syntax of the was you explained the scariness of Baka is awesome. Also, I liked how you applied a little darkness to the story. Overall, a great start to the portfolio and I am looking forward to reading more of your stories.
ReplyDeleteAndrew, I really enjoyed this story that you wrote. It was very interesting and you are not even the first person I have seen also write about Baka and the sacrifice. I appreciated the first person view in your story as I see that many other people tend to always write in a third person view. I also liked the image you posted with the story as it helped me to really envision the setting of your story. Imagery in a story is vital for me, because I like to try to imagine myself as one of the characters in the story. I did also appreciate the sequence of how your presented your story. First with the plot characters then followed by the setting. All in all, it was a very easy story to follow and enjoyable to read. I look forward to more of your postings and to see your portfolio develop. Thanks for sharing.
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